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Reslife handles mental health crisis with grace, care

institution administration


University of Maryland


- satire

Reslife handles mental health crisis with grace, care

Colin Wick

Summer Bedard


"We're so proud that our employees were there, on call, to make a difficult situation much worse. It's not every day we get to not put our mental health training to good use," said University President Wallace Loh.

The student, Jessica Andrea, is all smiles after Reslife took such a progressive stance on the issue of mental health.

"I can't believe this happened," she said in a statement to the Rival. "My entire life has been flipped upside down. The last thing I expected from a University that preaches tolerance was to throw me out on the street for something I have little to no control over."

ResLife officials were kind enough to order Andrea to find alternative housing off-campus in the chance she is released from the hospital at a time that is inconvenient to them.

"Our students are under so much stress from all their coursework and extra curricular schedules, which is why it's our job to make sure they feel completely isolated and abandoned in the event of an emergency. That is our mission to the students of this campus," said ResLife President, Maren Copely, a soft mist in her sentimental eyes.

In another record response time for the school, showcasing the University's efficiency, Andrea is still awaiting a counseling appointment with the Health Center after scheduling 30 days ago.

"There's no way this can go on, unabated, without change," said Andrea.

"We plan for this to go on, unabated, without change," stated Wallace Loh in a celebratory email to the student body.