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How to Get A Boyfriend by Valentines Day

humor

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Fordham University

culture

- satire

How to Get A Boyfriend by Valentines Day

Madilyn Grey

2.13.18

Read time: 7 min.
Graphic by Claire Dillon

Let me begin by saying you don’t need a boyfriend or significant other to be happy this Valentines Day. But, like, in the case that you don’t want to look like a lonely wench to the rest of society, here’s how you can snag one by February 14th. Keep in mind, since you’ve decided to wait until the last minute, time is of the essence here. It’s not my fault you’ve procrastinated until now to put in work. So whiten your teeth, take a bath in perfume, and do 700 squats right when you wake up. We’re about to get romantic in this bit*h, and no boy is safe.


Step 1: Choose your victim target man of choice.


I don’t want to say pick someone “easy”, but who are we kidding here? You need to pick someone just as lonely as you that is also incredibly vulnerable and easily manipulated. Look around in your classes for a boy who looks like he hasn’t showered in three days. Once you have spotted one, check to see what kind of pants he is wearing. If he is in sweatpants, you’ve hit the jackpot. There is no shot he has a female in his life. Congratulations, you’ve found your next boyfriend.


Step 2: Do preliminary background research.


OK, so now that you have a boy in mind, you need to prepare something to talk about with said boy. It’s definitely helpful that you have a class together, but, tragically, that is not enough. You need to show him that you have something in common. This could include similar hobbies, mutual friends, the fact that you knew his distant cousin Michael in preschool, etc. Really anything that will pique his interest. So go back to your dorm/apartment, recruit fifteen of your closest friends, and get to work. This is now a case for the FBI. I’m talking Facebook stalking, Google searching, and background checking this dude until you know the name of the hospital he was born in (and then call that hospital for his records). Once you have all your information gathered, decide what topic you are realistically comfortable with carrying out an entire conversation on. If he’s into science, but you don’t know the first thing about nature, or like, renewable energy, obviously don’t f*cking try to talk to him about mitochondria. Pick something easy and that you can work with. Like dogs.


Step 3: Execute your initial attack conversation.


By now you and your girls should have hijacked Fordham’s system and secured your man’s class schedule. After you have decided on a good time to make your move, plant yourself outside of one of his classroom doors, ready to rock. When you see him exiting the said classroom, casually “accidentally” throw a dog at him. He’ll most likely say something along the lines of “Oh my God, whose dog is this?” Enter you. Apologize for your dogs’ erratic behavior. When he looks you in the face while returning your dog, be sure to stare deeply into his eyes for no less than four minutes straight. If he looks scared, that’s a good sign. Now mention how you think you are in a class together. He will begin to slowly come to terms with the fact that this encounter was fate and that he is falling in love with you. Success. You’re doing amazing, sweetie.


Step 4: Make him an offer he can’t refuse.


If he hasn’t proposed by now, the very least he will do is ask you for your number. Tell him you will give it to him on Valentines Day during your dinner reservation at Michelangelo's. Do not even give him a chance to respond, just turn and walk away. This way he cannot say no. If he starts calling after you, pick up the pace and jog away from him. If he starts running after you, then Usain Bolt it out of there; full sprint. People may look at you like you’re a psychopath, but it’s okay because you have a Valentine's Day date and they probably don’t.


Step 5: Prep for your big night.


To ensure that this man will want to be your boyfriend by the end of the night, you need to be on your absolute A-game and look nothing less than an 11/10. Go to Claudia’s nails and ask them for their deluxe deal. This deal is not advertised to the public. This deal is also not for the weak hearted, sweetie, because they wax EVERYTHING. Once you’ve done that go home and pick out your outfit. Keep it simple. Anything from this week’s New York Fashion Week runway will do. If you don’t have access to that peasant then your formal dress from last fall should suffice. Dinner is at 8 p.m. so start getting ready at noon.


Step 6: Signed, sealed, delivered he’s yours.


Once the time for dinner finally arrives, you may be a little anxious. That’s unacceptable. Pull yourself together because sweating is unattractive. Show up fashionably late. Ask the workers at Michaelangelo’s to play “Lip Gloss” by Lil Mama as you walk in to ensure you have the entire room wrapped around your finger. Your guy’s jaw will probably hit the floor. Again, success. If he has not yet asked to officially be your boyfriend by the time you are seated at your table, there is really only one more thing you can do. Lean in as close to him as physically possible, lightly grab his wrist so you have his whole attention, and whisper softly into his ear:

“Do you want a hit of my Juul?”

This is such a cute story to tell the kids someday. Best of luck in your ventures, sweetie, and remember: Valentine's Day is only once a year, but “forever alone” is a harsh reality that can last years or even a lifetime, eventually ending in crippling darkness. Oh! And you’re welcome in advance.