search

for

something

Swipe left to keep

Kept articles are stored in your profile for you to read later.

Got it!

Tulane student swears she’ll do her best not to take beads from children this Mardi Gras

local culture

0
0
316
2

Tulane University

culture

- satire

Tulane student swears she’ll do her best not to take beads from children this Mardi Gras

"I do think it was pretty rude last year when some mom ordered me to hop off her cooler and stop grabbing beads from her kid’s hands, despite the fact that they hardly brushed his stupid little fingertips."

Kiera Torpie

2.7.18

With Mardi Gras right around the corner, I randomly chose a Tulane junior and asked if she had any parade resolutions this year’s carnival. She had a lot to say.

Recognizing her height advantage and that it, “may be interpreted as inconsiderate according to some people, I guess,” Tulane student says she’ll “at least try” to leave some beads for the local children. She added, “Though, I do think it was pretty rude last year when some mom ordered me to hop off her cooler and stop grabbing beads from her kid’s hands, despite the fact that they hardly brushed his stupid little fingertips.”

The junior girl also pointed out that they, “have no use for the beads when you really think about it. I mean, kids are notoriously wasteful. Tulanians? We wear them all night and then keep them as souvenirs in an empty bottle of Mad Dog on top of the fridge or at least drunkenly stuff them in the clogged storm drains. It’s called recycling, like, look it up. I think the real problem is people just don’t get Mardi.”

That’s when I inquired, “Are you saying people don’t get Tuesday?” But she had stopped paying attention.

Finally, she conceded, “Maybe bringing a suitcase to store all of the coconuts I caught at Zulu and then proceeding to run over 7 children’s feet with said coconut-filled suitcase was a bit much, but I can’t help but feel like I earned it.”

“And to be fair, at least I went to Zulu, you know? Some of my friends didn’t even make it to Tequila sunrise at the top of Diboll and it’s like, are you even from New Orleans?”

The New York native then insisted upon advising NOLA locals to check out Amazon for some metallic leggings and pizza-themed tank tops, “if they want float-throwers to notice them so bad.”

When I asked her why bead catching had become so competitive for her, she demonstrated a shocking degree of introspection, responding instantly with, “It’s for sure the cocaine.”