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The Fordham Football Season

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Fordham University

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- satire

The Fordham Football Season

(As told by someone who never went to a game)

Brenna Joyce

11.21.17

Read time: 4.5 minutes.

Welcome to the sports section of the Rival! Today, we’re talking about football. It’s an American tradition. A collegiate unifier. A thing I do not understand! The Fordham Football season officially came to a close this weekend, a fact I recently discovered after watching peoples tailgating snap stories and asking everyone’s internal question: “Wait, is football still happening?” Apparently, it was! So for all of you people who, like me, never went to a game, here’s what you missed:


September:


Fordham v. Army, 6-64: From what it sounds, Fordham football literally played against the entire U.S. Army. And the Reserves. To me, that seems...a little extreme. Maybe it was an ROTC thing? We lost. Badly. But honestly, it seemed rigged. There was so much camo, how were we supposed to see the other players?

Fordham v. Central Connecticut State, 38-31: I’ve literally never heard of this place. But we won! *dabs*

Fordham v. Eastern Washington, 21-56: Chase Edmonds didn’t play in this game, and we lost. Coincidence? I THINK NOT. #22 on the field, #1 in my heart. Love you, baby. They should’ve put me in. Missed opportunity, I guess.

Fordham v. Bryant, 40-45: We took another L. BUT a lil freshie named Glenn Cunningham led the team in tackles! You’re doing amazing sweetie. Tackle everyone.

Fordham v. Yale, 10-41: In the last game of the month, we lost to Rory Gilmore’s alma mater. I’m not even mad about it because #TeamLogan.

October:


Fordham v. Lafayette, 10-14: Yet another L. However, it WAS a tough one. Kevin Anderson was taken out late in the fourth quarter because of an injury and his backup, Luke Medlock, came on. I think he’s in my 8:30 Comm class. So I’ve officially talked to THREE football players!

Fordham v. Colgate, 12-38: Weeeeeeeeeee…..lost. Against Colgate. Against a bunch of TOOTHPASTE. C’mon boys.

Fordham v. Georgetown, 17-9: RAMS WON. This was the sixth time in a row we beat Georgetown. That’s the only thing I found interesting. So...fuck you, Georgetown?

Fordham v. Lehigh, 45-35: Fordham takes another win, this time against a team whose school colors are brown and yellow. Remind you of anything? Excuse me while I go throw up.

November:


Fordham v. Holy Cross, 20-42: Fordham kicked off No-Win November in our Homecoming Game when we lost by, like, 22 points. Is that a lot? I’m gonna phone a friend. It was a little saddening that Holy Cross got an actual trophy for beating us at our own Homecoming, but I got to eat sandwiches in the parking lot. So I wasn’t that sad. I, on the other hand, won big that day. At cornhole. Can’t the next game just be me and Holy Cross in the parking lot playing cornhole? Thats what Fordham students want and need.

Fordham v. Bucknell, 20-9: This was the last game of the season, and what a way to end it! With a win! I was eating pasta alone in my room during this game. I was happy to hear it. Those guys deserved it. They work hard for all that free DCB and exclusive gym access.

So there you have it. Now you know exactly what 100% factually, statistically happened during the season. You’re a regular sports fan! Be sure to tell your friends, family, and bosses exactly what you read here, because with this guide, you basically went to the games! Feel free to skip out on the basketball season too, I'll cover that when the time comes. Until then, go sports!