When I go back home on breaks, girls from high school take one look at my bare-chested body and say, “WOW, you finally went through puberty… I know this really good waxing place-” or, “Yeah, I guess you can stay at this pool party, but no one here really remembers who you are. You can borrow a real pair of swim trunks from my brother if you want. No? You prefer the speedo? Okay, that’s fine. Have a good time I guess.”
You might be wondering: Where does my unshakeable confidence come from? Not internally, that’s for sure. I’d say it’s 48% rock hard abs and bulging pecs, 10% back and bis, and 42% the banana I stuffed in my Speedo. The secret to my amazing physique? My rigorous diet and exercise plan. You might think that it’s impossible to reconcile your fitness goals with your college lifestyle. Between going out every weekend, the temptations of Ram’s Deli, and having to take the long way to class to avoid the Fordham Prep kids calling you short and forcing you to take money out at the ATM and crawling on all fours to hand it over to them, who has the time to go to the gym and eat healthy?
What if I told you that you can achieve a Hollywood-ready physique without stepping foot in the gym once in your Fordham career? How? Simply eat at the caf every meal and violently shit everything out immediately afterwards.
In order to make this fitness plan I stripped away all prior biases and conventional fitness knowledge. Cardio? Lifting? Playing sports? Forget it all. I went back to the building blocks of human anatomy and physiology. Our predecessors didn’t grow up with 45-pound barbells and every assortment of dumbbells. All they had was nature.
Wow! 0% Body fat!!!
Years of scientific research have led me to a revolutionary method of fitness that no other guru in the industry has discovered: Fordham University Cafeteria’s natural laxative properties are the secret to a godly physique. You will retain the exact amount of caloric surplus for building muscle and shedding fat. I know what you’re thinking; How can you gain muscle without working out? My rebuttal: Have you ever taken a violent shit? Sprinting to the toilet? High Intensity Interval Training. Contractions… or should we call them sit-ups? Hello, shredded abs. Pushing up against the stall door in agony? Chest and tris. Desperately folding toilet paper? The complete posterior chain workout.
While these tips are extremely useful, every person’s body is unique and requires a customized plan. If you take my physique quiz, I will personally draw one up for you. All I require is a one-time payment of $45. Simple. I accept a variety of payment methods; you can Venmo me at Jo-Chen-1, leave the money in an envelope under the high jump pit at Fordham Prep’s outdoor track, or most preferably, you can give it to Benjie directly* (he has 4th and 5th period free and he sometimes goes out to the tennis courts to rip his Juul during lunch time).
*Please tell him Jo sent you.
So happy caf-ing, boys and girls. Don’t forget, grab a banana on your way out (but don’t eat anything organic, it might diminish the effectiveness of the program).