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Rival Readings


Fordham University


- experimental

Rival Readings

Week of October 23 - October 30

Fiona Shea


Let me tell you something. Cosmopolitan’s horoscope that you’ve been reading on the Discover page of your Snapchat is not doing you any good. Those vague, blanketing declarations of advice??? Like, “Now is your chance to connect with someone younger in your life and teach them the virtue of wisdom.” Or, "Over the next year or so, you will gain from being a little more toned down than usual..."

Okay, first off, you don't need to tone down. Just because you softly cried in your 8:30 when your Starbucks spilled does not warrant anyone to tell you to tone it down. Also, you're the one who needs the advice here. You check Cosmo every freaking day waiting for it to tell you when and where you're going to meet your soulmate. How your career is magically going to take off and why your flaws and shortcomings are completely out of your control and merely deliberated by your sign. You're the one whose clothes eternally smell like Badgirls from Rams and who offers to Venmo strangers to use their Juul. You're the one who needs detailed guidance.

Look no further. Rival Readings are designed to give you real analyses on your current situations while simultaneously offering clear directions on how to drastically improve your life, like fast AF. Rival Readings are accurate, they’re fun, and they’re approved by the stars and the moon and the sun. And by the Milky Way and the black holes and the dipper sisters (the big and the little), and whatever else is up there in space. They’re all in on it.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Aries, Aries, Aries. You’re the ram, my dear. And our school mascot is the ram. You have been given this immense privilege - you mustn’t waste it. Open your laptop. Google, “Sexy Ram Costume.” Astonishingly, others before you have attempted to make the ram sexy. This is a part of the challenge, Aries. And I know you love challenges. The images of the other sexy rams might discourage you as the new moon rises into your sky and the sky turns from light to dark. Don’t be afraid. This is your Halloween costume destiny, Aries. I want you to allow your creative mind to really come through with this one. On Hallow’s Eve you are going to hear many inquirers ask, “Um, what are you?” And I want you to reply confidently with, “The Sexy Ram.”

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You are an Earth sign, Taurus. And you know what? You’ve been spending too much damn time inside. I’ve watched you spend the entirety of this past twilight cycle watching the new season of Broad City and eating salsa with a spoon. Rival Readers are like elves, you know. We're always lurking. Poor Mother Nature is asking you - nay, begging you, to spend some time with her. She’s hit you up, like, everyday, and you’ve left her on read. Walk down Fordham Road and pick up every piece of trash you see to make it up to her. Even the stray Q-Tips. (Does anyone else always see stray Q-Tips on the streets of NYC? Why? Lacking info regarding this issue.)

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Geminis are especially interesting because they are known to have two sides to their personalities. You are sociable and fun, but also serious and thoughtful. You’re hot then you’re cold, you’re yes then you’re no. You’re in then you’re out, you’re up then you’re down. You kissed a girl and you liked it; baby, you’re a firework; swish swish, bish. You have a lot to learn this week, young Gemini, and there’s no one better to teach you than Katy Perry. Watch her “Bon Appetit (feat. Migos)" music video - what is she trying to tell us? You are her prophet. Make sure she plays at the pregame, at Howl, at the postgame, during class, in your subconscious, and most importantly in your heart. You might dislike the song now, but soon you won't. Once it becomes the only song ever playing, the melody you can't escape, the soundtrack to your life, the thing that takes over your mind and drives you absolutely insane... you'll literally love it. Many people have been hating on Katy recently, but you are going to make her cool again, Gemini. Katy is relying on you.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
It’s time for you and your partner to embark on a special endeavor, sweet and caring Cancer. If you don’t have a partner, you best find one, like, now. It’s settling season. *Szn. Settling Szn. Anyone will do. Once you imprint on your mate Twilight style, Parents Weekend will be creeping up right in the knick of time. Since your mom and dad politely denied your request to visit (they’re going to Foxwoods with your neighbors to see Criss Angel), you need a loving family to provide you with a chicken salad wrap at the tailgate and a dinner on Arthur Ave. I assure you, Cancer, it is better to lock this in early. And if you never see your partner after you inhale a large penne a la vodka, so be it. You got a free penne a la vodka.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Leos are the best sign by far. And I’m not just saying that because I am a Leo myself. I am a qualified astrology interpreter and I would never make such a claim if I couldn’t back it up. Our four weeks fall during summer vacation, so we’ve literally never had to go to school on our birthdays. We’re always looking sun-kissed and snatched by the time our day arrives, so we look cute in all birthday Instagrams - which means we get more likes, which means we have more more friends, which means we’re happier overall people, which means we have better lives. It’s really simple when you break it down. While everyone else is getting pasty and dusty as the weather gets cooler, Leos stay hot all year ‘round. Make your way down to the library basement, Leo. You know what’s down there? In that room to the left? No one. Literally no one is ever there. Pick a table, any table, set up a little tanning station, strip down to just your ‘kini or speedo, and let the fluorescent light bulbs tan your perfect bod. And remember, Leo, narcissism is always hot.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Virgo, sometimes you’re way too hard on yourself. It’s all work and no play with you! You seriously gotta chill. So, for you, I’m going to prescribe a day of rest and relaxation. Trendies (trendy b*tches) like to call this “R&R.” While trendies typically R&R at a trendy spa in a Manhattan hotel and eat a trendy quinoa matcha vegan pressed natural ~juice cleanse~ skinny body shot, our BX R&R is a little more practical. It’s basically gonna go down like this for you: Wake up. Literally whenever. Once you wake up roll over and lay there for at least another hour. Maybe on your phone, maybe staring at the wall. Once you’re up, don’t change. The key to a successful R&R is to stay in the same outfit all day. Walk to Rams. Bad Girls + drink of choice + plantain chips + small talk with Rams guy. Avoid all other human contact. Too stressful. Scurry home, but don’t move fast enough to burn even a single calorie. Eat in bed. Spill on comforter. No one cares. Binge TV of choice (new season of Curb Your Enthusiasm is highly recommended). Pass out. Wake up. Stand up. Drank. Good morning, it’s the next day. And that was just the best twenty-four hours of your life, Virgo.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Your season has freshly concluded, Libra, but that doesn’t mean you’re no longer one of my priorities. You might actually be my top priority right now, because those ruled by Air sometimes get carried away after their season subsides. It is important that you continue appreciating the aesthetically satisfying places in your life Libra, because they make you very happy. These spots changed you in ways that you could never have imagined. As a recap, let’s look back on the locations dearest to your heart:

Salt & Sesame, the eatery in FMH: You've spent a lot of time in here, Libra. You love the minimalistic layout and quintessential NYC Café atmosphere. It's okay that your English group ignores your countless suggestions to meet at Sesame. I would maybe stop "emphasizing" your own messages, but keep up the effort. I like your drive. Keep eating your Smoked Salmon Schmear. It makes you happy. Just because others might not connect with Sesame the way you do, don't be disheartened, Libra.

(Screenshot here)

Edgar Allan Poe Way, the strip from Loyola past Queen’s Court/the back of Martyrs: Late at night you stroll down Poe Way to reflect and ponder. Sometimes you look into the freshman dorms feeling nostalgic… even if you’re a freshman. You start remembering things that haven't happened and missing people you haven't met. Poe always making you feel some type of way.

Thebaud, a building on campus: No one knows what’s inside this building. I can guarantee the majority of Fordham students have never heard of Thebaud. I looked at a virtual map of campus and I still am not totally convinced it exists. But you, Libra, you’re more savvy than all of us. You love introducing the wonders of Thebaud to foolish companions who doubt its allure and grandeur.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Scorpio, I’m sure you’re great, but your weaknesses are dark AF, I’ll be honest. You can be distrusting, jealous, secretive and violent. The gamma rays and constellations are clearly in a grapple with Pluto and Mars, your rulers. Unfortunately, you might have to trust the process a little bit longer than the other signs, brave Scorpio. Everyone told you not to look at the August eclipse without the specialized eclipse viewing glasses. Everyone said, “No, Scorpio, your retinas will burn.” But little did they know, that’s exactly what you needed. A little retina-burn never hurt nobody, and it actually might help you, Scorpio, as you sometimes use your judging gaze to inspect people a little too critically. Muted eye function would have been literally so perf for you. Usually you’re more stubborn, but in a moment of self-doubt you let your ignorant critics convince you not to feel the power of the eclipse on your bare eyeballs. You didn’t just buy the dinky pair of viewing glasses from Walmart, either. You paid a lengthy visit and purchased sixty dollars worth of eclipse gear. I’ve really never been so disappointed in you. You’re in luck though, Scorpio. The next eclipse is expected to pass through parts of South America and the South Pacific in July 2019. Start making your travel accommodations now.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
You enjoy searching for the meaning of life, Sagittarius, and I think I know a few places where you might find it.

1. K I N G ‘S V A L U E 9 9 C E N T A N D U P. They sell plants (which seems very zen to me), there’s always a fun cat scurrying around in there, and there is lots of stimulation while also an unwavering eerie silence. It cultivates an “I’m questioning what I’m doing in here but I like it” kind of vibe. You might feel the need to purchase a skateboard, even though you’ve never been on a skateboard. You might be enthralled by the elephant candle holders only to discover a state warning indicating that they contain carcinogens. You just might find your truth in there.

2. P R I N C E C A F E. All the trendies of the BX hang out here. So best-case scenario is: You find the meaning of life, become a little trendier just for entering, drink some coffee, and get a little second-hand cigarette high. And worse-case scenario is: You don’t find your meaning of life, become a little trendier just for entering, drink some coffee, and get a little second-hand cigarette high.

3. R O D R I G U E ‘ S. Rodrigue simply knows things we don’t. I’ve never even been in there, and I don't know if I'm ready. Thinking about Prince had me thinking about coffee, and thinking about coffee got me thinking about this place. Go spend a day in there, Sagittarius. Better yet, go spend a night. Let them lock you up in that mystery-ridden building and I promise you, by morning, you will be enlightened.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
You’re pretty much a buzzkill, devoted Capricorn. You can be condescending, cynical, unforgiving and just, like, kind of nauseating. It’s not all bad, though. You love your family and you have lots of self-control. But this weekend we’re going to temporarily put these two priorities on the back burner. What you need is to tornado a water bottle, crawl the bars, rip a Juul, slap a cup, flip a cup, sink a shot, waterfall a brew, pull trig, crack a cold one with the boys, boot, rally, boot, rally. Instead of killing the buzz, you’ll be resurrecting it. Birth the buzz, Capricorn. Just kidding. Alcohol won’t solve your personality problems. I’ve changed my mind. Maybe it’s better that you spend some quality time with your family - unless they’re Capricorns, too. Locate the Leos and Aries of your life and spend time with them. Or the Libras and Virgos. Even the Scorpios will help your cause and they're honestly terrifying.

Aquarius (January 20 to February 18)
Your past and future are about to fuse as a gas explosion in an alternate universe light-years away, Aquarius. Your absolute magnitude is about to channel the aurora of another celestial sphere and a meteor shower will fill your sky. A Champagne Supernova with Drops of Jupiter will enter your life as you’re Space Truckin’ into your fate. You’re a Rocket Man, Aquarius, on The Dark Side of the Moon. All that make sense? You’re a great listener and a superior intellectual, so I’m sure you got that all pretty easily. The only thing I know for sure is that you’re a mother-mother Starboy, and that your Starships were meant to fly.
Pisces (February 19 to March 20)
Last but not least, the gentle and wise Pisces. You are unique, my friend. First off, one of your colors is “mauve,” which I didn’t even know was a thing. Look it up. Easily one of the most underrated hues. Secondly, you experience some unique challenges while living in the Bronx. Due to your water-based nature, it only makes sense that you love to swim - arguably more than anything. More than life itself, potentially. You’d probably die for the sport of swimming. Maybe Michael Phelps is your father and Mrs. Puff is your mother. In order to unlock a threshold of untouched pleasure, you must submerge yourself Wednesday night as the witching hour strikes (midnight for those unfamiliar with basic witching terms). Pay Alumni Court South a little visit. Dressed in only a robe, slither your way to an empty bathroom. Draw yourself a bath and, with one swift motion, throw a Lush bath bomb into the tub. The soapy foam will cloud the water and conceal any undesired filth. Allow yourself to indulge.