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GAME OF THRONES SUCKS (but also it doesn't)

movies and-tv

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Fordham University

culture

- satire

GAME OF THRONES SUCKS (but also it doesn't)

Los Angeles Superior Court releases troubling case transcript

Liam Semple

10.23.17

Read time: 4 minutes.

THE PEOPLE AND SUBSCRIBERS OF HOME BOX OFFICE vs. LIAM SEMPLE

IN THE SUPERIOR COURT FOR THE COUNTY OF LOS ANGELES
STATE OF CALIFORNIA

COURT ADVISES DEFENDANT REGARDING DEFENDANT’S ORAL MOTION TO CONVINCE THE PUBLIC THAT GAME OF THRONES SEASON SEVEN WASN’T THAT GOOD

TRANSCRIPT OF PROCEEDINGS
PROCEEDINGS CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR SEASONS 1-7 OF GAME OF THRONES

[The defendant approached the podium.]

THE COURT: Okay, Mr. Semple.
DEFENDANT SEMPLE: Yes.
THE COURT: You are attempting to sway public opinion regarding the recently concluded season of Game of Thrones.
MR. SEMPLE: Correct. Why am I-?
THE COURT: And you are of the opinion that the seven episodes prior to this date did not meet your expectations for quality?
MR. SEMPLE: It was like watching my childhood heroes drink themselves to death.
THE COURT: Right. And for that, I am finding you in contempt of court.
MR. SEMPLE: Sure [affirmative].
THE COURT: You could show more sympathy toward fans of the show.
MR. SEMPLE: I shouldn’t have to. I think it’s on the writers to make a good show, not on me to like it.
THE COURT: Are you a fan of the show?
MR. SEMPLE: Absolutely.
THE COURT: And did you drink the official Game of Thrones Bend the Knee Ale™?
MR. SEMPLE: No sir, I only drank bleach.
THE COURT: And you see nothing wrong in attacking this beacon of hope in my - er - another fan’s otherwise-miserable life-?
MR. SEMPLE: Ed Sheeran.
THE COURT: What?
MR. SEMPLE: Ed Sheeran.
THE COURT: Didn’t bother me.
MR. SEMPLE: Yes it did.
THE COURT: I don’t even know who he is.
MR. SEMPLE: Yes you do.
THE COURT: You’re making too big a deal out of this.
MR. SEMPLE: I think he winked at me.
THE COURT: Alright-
MR. SEMPLE: But he wasn’t as distracting as the pacing.
THE COURT: So you thought this was the worst season because it was too fast?
MR. SEMPLE: This wasn’t the worst season.
THE COURT: But you didn’t enjoy it?
MR. SEMPLE: I did enjoy it. [affirmative]
THE COURT: But it says in the indictment-
MR. SEMPLE: I said it wasn’t good. [?]
THE COURT: Well, which are your least favorite seasons?
MR. SEMPLE: Five and Six. At least stuff was happening again in Season Seven.

[The judge escorted himself out of the courtroom. He returned thirty seconds later, with a freshly wiped brow.]

THE COURT: You didn’t like Season Six? “Battle of the Bastards”? “The Door”? Come on!
MR. SEMPLE: I loved those episodes, but that doesn’t make the rest of the season any less boring.
THE COURT: So you should be happy the new season is shorter.
MR. SEMPLE: I get they did it because of the budget, but that doesn’t mean they had to rush the story.
THE COURT: Like how?
MR. SEMPLE: Geography is out the window.
THE COURT: Name one time.
MR. SEMPLE: Euron Greyjoy, who dresses like a street magician, has his fleet sail from King’s Landing to Casterly Rock in the time it took the Unsullied to march there.
THE COURT: So what?
MR. SEMPLE: The Lannister Army marched from Casterly Rock to Highgarden undetected.
THE COURT: So what?
MR. SEMPLE: Westeros is the size of South America!
THE COURT: What’s your point?
MR. SEMPLE: Gendry ran from the lake to Eastwatch, sent a raven to Dragonstone, then Daenerys flew from Dragonstone to the lake beyond the wall, all before six named characters starved or froze to death?
THE COURT: It was clear-
MR. SEMPLE: And you have no problem with that?
THE COURT: They made it clear in the episode that it was several days.
MR. SEMPLE: You didn’t even notice!
THE COURT: So what? Why do we need a detailed explanation of-
MR. SEMPLE: Because story logic matters.
THE COURT: It’s a fantasy show, it’s not supposed to be realistic.
MR. SEMPLE: Tell that to Ned Stark.
THE COURT: I’m holding you in contempt of court.
MR. SEMPLE: And Robb, and Catelyn, and Oberyn, and Tywin.
THE COURT: And Ellaria, and Lady Olenna, and Randyll, and Dickon, and Thoros, and Viserion, and Benjen, and Littlefinger?
MR. SEMPLE: No, those are different-
THE COURT: You’re just biased because Game of Thrones is too popular now.
MR. SEMPLE: F--- you!
THE COURT: Littlefinger-
MR. SEMPLE: Is useless now and so is Varys. The smartest men in Westeros reduced to-
THE COURT: You will stop interrupting me-
MR. SEMPLE: Look, tell me you didn’t see any of those deaths coming from a mile away. Tell me with a straight face that there will be any consequence for Arya killing every member of House Frey. Ned and Robb made dumb mistakes, and as a consequence they died. That's the show I fell in love with. Why do characters get free passes just because they survived past where we are in the books? Why does Jon keep making the stupidest decisions of all time?
THE COURT: Jon already came back from the dead!
MR. SEMPLE: He survived jumping into a freezing lake with two wights while wearing furs.
THE COURT: He’s the King in the North.
MR. SEMPLE: Seems like someone you’d want to keep safe, and not send north on a suicide mission.

[The judge called for an aside with his iPhone 8 Plus.]

THE COURT: Have you read the books?
MR. SEMPLE: No. Have you?
THE COURT: No, but it says online that Jon Snow is Azor Ahai, the Prince that was Promised. [reference]
MR. SEMPLE: I think the writers were Azor A-high.
THE COURT: So it’s not plot armor.
MR. SEMPLE: It’s an insult to George R. R. Martin’s writing.
THE COURT: What about the effects? The battles? Like when Daenerys destroyed the loot train. [reference]
MR. SEMPLE: Loot train?-
THE COURT: Yes in Episode Four-
MR. SEMPLE: -May as well have been the hype train.
THE COURT: That was so good though.
MR. SEMPLE: Yeah, you’re right.
THE COURT: Oh my god, how cool was Bronn?
MR. SEMPLE: So cool. That one shot? And when Daenerys first says “Dracarys” and Drogon just wastes the Lannister soldiers-?
THE COURT: That was so awesome.
MR. SEMPLE: So awesome.
THE COURT: So what could you possibly have to complain about?
MR. SEMPLE: I’m not saying the effects, and that scene, weren’t outstanding, I’m saying there’s more to a TV Show than those elements.
THE COURT: Did you see Drogon?
MR. SEMPLE: Yes, and he looked amazing. Finally, the dragons didn’t look like I'm watching Space Jam.
THE COURT: So now you’re attacking the older seasons?
MR. SEMPLE: I’m not-
THE COURT: And Space Jam?
MR. SEMPLE: God damnit-
THE COURT: Because you hate Game of Thrones!
MR. SEMPLE: No! I don’t-
THE COURT: You may have a constitutional right to your opinions, but you do not have the right to attack a show I love more than life itself just because you didn’t enjoy it.
MR. SEMPLE: I never said I didn’t enjoy it! I loved every second of it, and waited eagerly for every Sunday night! But that doesn’t mean it was good television. The effects, music, and cinematography were amazing, but the writing was sloppy, and characters’ actions don’t have the consequences they used to. Even so, it wouldn’t matter if I didn’t like it, because my life is not defined by one TV show. I think it’s hard for some people to admit a show they used to like isn’t good anymore, because it feels like a betrayal - the betrayal of a close friend you’ve spent years with only to discover they’ve become a different person. It’s okay to admit a show isn’t as good as it used to be, but it was fun while it lasted, and those first four seasons will always exist.

[High chatter erupted in the court. Presiding Judge restored order with his gavel.]

THE COURT: Game of Thrones is the best show of all time.
MR. SEMPLE [as he was being escorted out of the courtroom]: Wait, have I told you about The Wire!?

[The defendant was escorted out of the courtroom, and these proceedings were concluded with a drunk screening of “The Spoils of War”.]