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How to Squeeze More Money Out of Your Parents by Pretending You Have a Girlfriend

college culture

2
0
2010
11

Fordham University

culture

- experimental

How to Squeeze More Money Out of Your Parents by Pretending You Have a Girlfriend

Finance takes Romance

12.5.16

by Freelancer Jonathan Chen

Yikes! It’s that time of year again where every time you swipe into the caf, you cringe, expecting the worst. Having already spent your real-people dollars on textbooks and fun juice, you’re running on your last fumes during finals season, the time when you need the most fuel. Have no worries - thanks to the 3 finance classes I have taken in my life, I am qualified to help you out in the first edition of

College Finance: How to Squeeze More Money Out of your Parents by Pretending You Have a Girlfriend.


Step 1: Building the Ideal Woman (In Your Mom’s Eyes)
  • Begin by giving her an antiquated name. It'll be endearing. Dolores will do.
  • In a study spanning 10 generations of mice with a correlative statistical standard deviation of 8.76, it has been determined that a 3.78 is the optimal GPA to tell your mom your significant other has.
  • Make her major in the hard sciences (engineering) and show her softer side in her minor (Eastern Literature). Smart and sensitive? Hubba hubba.
  • Always remember, photoshop is your best friend.


Step 2: Breaking The News to Your Mom
  • “Hey mom, there’s this girl… She kinda reminds me of you in how (insert compliment for your mom).”
  • Use facts from step 1 to aid in your deception.

Step 3: The Date
  • By now, you will have hopefully melted your mother into butter with the hot knife that is your words.
  • Next say that you want to do something special in the city for your girl before the break where she has to go back home to: [state or even better, country, furthest from your hometown]
  • Ask for a specific amount of money as if you’ve calculated this dream date out perfectly. Make sure to stay under 6 figures, ya rascal!

Step 4:
  • Take the money you have just received from your naïve mother and immediately open a foreign exchange trading account. Due to Trump’s recent ascension to Presidency, a tariff hike against Mexico can be expected, causing a weak peso. Day by day, grow in confidence in your trades. Eventually, use your experience to leverage a summer internship at a Forex trading firm. Begin putting half of your paycheck in an Individual Retirement Account (IRA). From there, meet Emily, a former investment banker. Have Emily write you a glowing recommendation for her former analyst position at a prominent investment bank. Between that, your experience, and your diligence in school, you easily gain the position. On your first day of work, befriend Danesh, a seemingly solid fellow. After your first 12-hour workday excitedly text Dolores about how you’ll finally be on your way to owning that yellow house on the hilltop she’d always dreamed about. Get detoured by Danesh. He wants to introduce you to the rest of the team in a night out. Dolores lovingly gives you her permission, she wants you to fit in at the workplace. The first week passes in a blur of hard work and toxins you’d never even heard of. A year passes in this manner. On a business trip in Malaysia, you receive a call from Dolores, she is pregnant, but she doesn’t want you involved. You’ve been distant. You scoff and laugh her off. Women twice as beautiful as her have approached you. 3 consecutive nights in the strip club. You wake up, alone and covered in cocaine. Dolores, Gone. You haven’t shown up to work in those 3 days. You’re fired. The money you’ve earned, gone, and with it, the fast cars and the fast times. You empty out your IRA for one last huzzah with Danesh. Danesh doesn’t even look you in the eyes as you wave your stacks in his face. You go to bed yearning for the days where your biggest problem was how many meal swipes you had left.

Step 5: Wake up
  • You’re in your dorm room, your roommate’s chest rises and falls as he snores in peaceful slumber.
  • You reach across the nightstand to call Dolores.
  • You remember she’s imaginary, idiot!

Step 6:
  • You remember your roommate has unlimited meal swipes.

P.S. Replace Dolores with Dominic if you’re so inclined. #2016