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Record 14 Students Sign Into Ram Fit Center at Exactly 6:16



Fordham University


- satire

Record 14 Students Sign Into Ram Fit Center at Exactly 6:16

Hundreds Anticipate, ‘Maybe It Won’t Be That Bad This Time’


Beginning at 6:46 PM on Monday, November 28th, a series of on-campus safety incidents were the unfortunate consequences of Fordham’s fitness center reaching five times its legal maximum occupancy. The 1,800 square-foot facility reached temperatures as high as 97°F and boasted an air quality that physically deteriorated the contact lenses of nearly fifty students. In an attempt for an innocent evening’s workout, hundreds of students are now left feeling victimized, distraught, and flabby.

For freshman Billy Barker, this was his first time in a public gym. Says Billy, “Last week my doc dropped the bomb [that I have] diabetes. It was a big wake up call. Monday I thought I’d turn my life around and head to the gym, maybe say hi to a girl or two. Wrong. I spent 45 minutes waiting for any piece of workout equipment before one 95-pound dumbbell was left in a corner. I had no idea what to do with it. I busted out of that hellhole and ate Auntie Anne’s in my dorm, alone.”

As lines for cardiovascular machines grew into an indiscernible sweaty mob, The Fordham University Olay™ Society seized the opportunity to voice their new “Love the Skin You’re In” movement in an attempt to relieve students of unrealistic body image expectations. Indeed, the wait for fitness equipment quickly proved too long for the average gym-goer, however, exiting the facility became impossible due to what students are coining, “the Mugz effect.”

The battle for space got especially heinous when three junior girls were left to fend for one available spot in the 6:30 Boot Camp class. Eye-witness and sophomore Geoff Halbach described what he first saw from outside the fitness room as a run-of-the-mill Krav Maga self-defense class. But upon peering closer, Halbach noticed blood. NYPD arrested one of the females under Assault with Intent to Murder and charged two more with Assault with Intent of a Nice Ass. In an attempt to determine the exact initiation of the “Boot Camp Bloodshed,” police have struggled, having gathering a sole comment from a female witness who was inside the room when it went down: “Does it look like I want to talk about it? Carmen could have fucking died.”

Students, professors, and parents alike have continued to voice their concerns over the size of the fitness center in relation to Fordham’s population. Campus marches issuing the protest, “Screw Flowers, Use Our Tuition to Buy Out Planet Fitness Down the Road!” have left activists breathless after just a few chants. Additionally, student-leaders from the Class of 2017 have made strides in establishing precedent concerning the amount of workout space of previous years at Fordham. These senior activists swear there was legitimate gym in the Lombardi Center in 2013, however their campaign is losing serious ground with its inability to comply with the University’s counterargument, “pics or it didn’t happen.”

As for now, in an attempt to alleviate the Ram Fit Center population problem, Fordham officials have issued a zero-admittance policy on any student who appears “too douchey” or is wearing denim in any capacity. The University upholds that this is only a temporary issue, and that there’s no way it’ll be any more crowded in January.